Tell me what light it was that you saw
by dracarysyotch
Summary: The 13th Doctor shows up on Yaz's doorstep weeks after the events of Orphan 55 but this is a younger Doctor who hasn't experienced the events of Spyfall yet. Yaz can't help but let this bright and cheerful version of the woman she's in love with follow her around for the day while the Tardis repairs itself. Slight chaos, romance, a few lies, and a wedding ensue. Thasmin!
1. Sounds Painful, Love

Yaz had been having nightmares. Disorienting, weird flashes of memories from her time travels stitched together into combinations that would leave her gasping and covered in a sheen of sweat, wide awake for the rest of the night. One reoccurring nightmare always started with Yaz on shift, responding to a noise complaint, only to round a corner and find a Dalek shooting people as they ran away. Yaz would then run for her life and watch as her loved ones were shot down or captured by a series of appearing Daleks. It always ended with her cornered on a cliff, only for the Dalek armor to open and reveal the Doctor inside, hazel eyes sparkling and smile wide, begging Yaz to join her.  
On this night, however, Yaz was in the midst of a new nightmare, presumably inspired by the fam's recent trip to Orphan 55, or future Earth, as she now thought of it. Their group was fleeing the Dregs in the sewers, just like in real life, when her respirator had fallen off and she had been captured and chained to a rotting lamppost. She was unable to do anything while Vilma was also captured and eaten by the Dregs. The worst part came when Yaz looked to her left and saw the Doctor standing at Yaz's side, watching Vilma be dismembered. Every time Yaz screamed and pleaded with her friend to help or set her free, she would just stare and smile at Yaz. The strangest part of this nightmare was that it wasn't one, not really. Despite the scene in front of her and the Doctor's inaction, Yaz couldn't help but be comforted by her presence and she contented herself with staring back in her friend's eyes while Vilma's screams echoed around them.

Upon waking from this vivid experience, Yaz realized that the ringing sound she had associated with the chains keeping her bound was actually her ringtone, coming from her illuminated phone on the bedside table.  
"Speak of the devil," she thought to herself, clearing her throat as she grabbed her phone and hit answer. The resulting noise from the phone speakers startled Yaz so badly that she dropped her phone which only added to the commotion.  
"Shit, shit, shit," she hissed, throwing back the sweaty sheets and vaulting out of bed to retrieve her phone from the floor.  
"Doctor," she whispered. "Is that you?"  
"Hiya Yaz," came the cheery reply. "Will you look out your window for me?!"  
Yaz sighed and tiptoed to the window across from her bed, which looked down on her family's apartment complex courtyard. The courtyard was dim in the dawn, but enough light shone down for Yaz to make out a familiar blonde woman (covered in some sort of black substance) running around an equally familiar blue telephone box, which happened to be smoking. The sight wasn't very surprising but Yaz found that her gut reaction was. Instead of happiness, which she reasoned would be the appropriate response to not seeing your friend for several weeks, she felt guilt.

The last time Yaz had seen her friend was three weeks ago, after the events of Nikolai Tesla and the Skithra queen. Graham claimed exhaustion and Ryan had glommed on to the same excuse, asking the Doctor for a break. Normally, Yaz would rather relive the fam's disastrous run-in with the death eye turtle army than go home, but the Doctor hadn't been herself since the fam's run in with the Master.  
The airplane, the Kassavin, the Doctor's mysterious past with the Master, they'd all clearly shaken her to the core. The Doctor had never been shorter or more impatient with her friends than in the days and then weeks following that particular episode on Earth. She was an entirely different person, less likely to smile or laugh or marvel at the engineering feat of a particular alien race or the beauty of a sunset. Everything Yaz thought made the Doctor, well, the Doctor, had bled away, leaving a stranger behind. Yaz had felt something more than friendship for the Doctor from the first moment the woman had called her Yaz, but she had always tried to keep her non-platonic feelings under control, reasoning that there was no way the Doctor liked her back (or even liked women, for that matter). Of course there were occasional slip-ups where Yaz would stare at her lips a moment too long or stay up until the early hours of what was probably morning, watching the Doctor make repairs and listening to her impossible stories about Amelia Earhart and Agatha Christie.

But her encounter with the Master seemed to have drained everything that attracted Yaz to the Doctor, so she didn't call out Graham and Ryan for their white lie about being tired. There were cozy rooms for each member of the fam in various parts of the Tardis, for the sole purpose of catching up on rest in between swimming with nine-eyed dwarf squid and saving 16th century France from a sentient mushroom invasion. Yaz's room was the perfect size to feel comfortable yet cozy, filled with squashy red cushions and a fire place that reminded her of the Gryffindor common room from Harry Potter. But no amount of coziness could protect her from the iciness that seemed to permeate every room in the Tardis now, despite its seemingly infinite size. Yaz was so hurt by the Doctor's seeming indifference that she didn't bother to come up with a different excuse to take a break, choosing only to nod and claim the same exhaustion when the Doctor's gaze shifted from Graham and Ryan to her. After stepping out of the Tardis in modern-day Sheffield, Yaz almost immediately regretted her behavior and turned around to apologize for how childish it seemed. After all, how could she expect anything to change if she treated the Doctor the same way that she was being treated? Wasn't that the golden rule? But the Tardis was already dematerializing away.  
"Don't feel guilty, cockle," Graham counseled upon seeing Yaz's expression. "The Doc is clearly hiding somethin' from us. It's fair to want some time away from the storm cloud hovering over 'er head. This is real life for us, remember, not that time-lord" — he added air-quotes — "in her blue box."  
Yaz must have not looked very reassured because both boys pulled her into a rare hug as they departed for home, leaving her alone in the courtyard. She tried very hard not to think about who she really wanted a hug from.  
She was jolted out of her reminiscing into the present day by a a series loud bangs emanating from the courtyard, very full of Tardis and woman who Yaz knew nothing about.


	2. It began as a mistake

"Yaz?" The time lord in question chimed into the phone, sounding a bit uncertain, "Are you still there? Are you at home right now? Because if not, then ignore the window—"  
"— I'm here, Doctor," Yaz interrupted. "I'm coming down now, just give me a second to put shoes on.  
She clicked end call and attempted to quietly grab a sweater to put over her t-shirt and pyjama pants and shove on a pair of trainers. She stopped to listen for an indication that any family member had woken up and breathed a sight of relief upon only hearing the classical music her mum insisted on falling asleep to. Yaz closed the front door very carefully behind her and headed down the stairs, pausing only for a second to admire the pink beginnings of the sunrise. She took the stairs two at a time, heart racing as she attempted to think of what to say. '"Sorry for not telling you the truth about why I needed a break?" "Why have you been in such a mood?" "Who are you?" These thoughts bounced around in her mind like the echoes of her footsteps in the stairwell. Finally, she hit the bottom and walked towards the Doctor, who had her body pressed to the door of the Tardis in what looked to be a vain attempt to get in. She turned around at the sound of Yaz's steps behind her and smiled.

Everything Yaz had thought of saying flew out of her mind as the Doctor smiles, an act that seemed more radiant than the sun rays peeking over the horizon. She hadn't seen the Doctor smile like that in what felt like forever. She'd forgotten how it made her feel like her stomach had dropped so quickly and so far that it had taken up residence in her feet.  
"Hi Yaz, sorry for the early wake-up call! I meant to come around later today to pick you all up for our next adventure — I thought we'd try the planet with a surface entirely of rainbow water that you can walk on — but I picked up some turbulence on the way and nearly piloted into a supernova, which damaged the Tardis circuits. I think the helmet regulator's playing up again too. So now she's a bit mad and not letting me back in until she cools off, mentally and physically," the Doctor said in one big rush, punctuating the last three words with sharp raps on the door, which caused more smoke to leak out from the doors, which remained resolutely closed. "Thankfully," she continued, "I was able to make it to modern-day Sheffield, just not entirely sure how long it's been or—"  
"It's been three weeks since I saw you last," Yaz said, interrupting the tirade.  
"Really?" The Doctor asked, scrunching her face in the adorable way Yaz loved, "Three weeks since Christmas. Sorry, I missed New Years!"  
"Wait, what?" Yaz asked, extremely confused. They'd gone to twenty New Years Eve parties on the last day of 2019 and fought the Master and the Kassavin in the first week of 2020. How could the Doctor have just experienced Christmas and not anything since then? But as she thought these questions, she came up with the answers. This was a younger version of the Doctor, one how hadn't experienced any adventures since Christmas of 2019. This Doctor hadn't met the Master again, hadn't met Ada Lovelace, hadn't saved her friends from a plane crash, hadn't rescued Yaz from the glass container trapping the Kassavin. She hadn't gone to Orphan 55, hadn't been in a dark mood for weeks, hadn't been snapping at her fam, wasn't angry yet.  
Yaz opened her mouth to tell the Doctor all of the thoughts that had just gone through her mind, but stopped when she saw the look the Doctor was giving her. It had been especially hard with the Doctor's new persona to grapple with her feelings for the time lord. Although, in dreams, she couldn't help herself. Often, she woke having dreamt of the Doctor confessing her feelings or the pair finally kissing under a waterfall or cuddling on a purple sofa as they watched a movie. Looking at the younger Doctor now, with the new light framing her and her Tardis with that wonderful smile and twinkle in her eye, Yaz chose not to say any of the thoughts that had just run through her head. Instead, she let a long-suppressed grin break across her face to mimic the one of the woman she had missed dearly.  
"I've… I've just missed you, that's all," Yaz stuttered to make up for her apparent confusion. "Can't believe it's been three weeks since Christmas." It wasn't a total lie. It had been three weeks since Christmas. But the adventures they'd gone on since then made it feel like months.  
The Doctor looked momentarily confused but it passed in another instant as Yaz stepped closer and closer, finally wrapping her friend in a bear hug.  
"Oh, this is nice," the Doctor said, patting Yaz on the back.  
Yaz smiled and inhaled, savoring the impossible aroma of rain, grass, and motor oil mixed into one. A loud clanging from the Tardis made the two jump apart and the Doctor turned to face her machine.  
"You're throwing a temper tantrum," the Doctor said snarkily towards the blue box, "that supernova wasn't even the worst thing we've encountered this week! Don't be like this!"  
The Tardis groaned and wheezed in reply and the Doctor's resulting facial expression suggested to Yaz that it had been something very rude.  
"Ah, I can't believe it! She's locked me out," the Doctor said, looking offended, "told me to take a hike and come back when I thought I'd be a better pilot!"  
Yaz stifled a laugh. God, she'd missed this.  
"Could I hang out with you for the day?" The Doctor asked, "just until my Tardis decides to behave?"  
"Of course," Yaz answered without missing a beat. It was only a day, right? The older Doctor most likely wouldn't come back soon. And this woman, this Doctor, this was her Doctor. Surely it wouldn't be wrong just to have a few hours with her best friend?  
"Great!" the blonde chirped, "Maybe we could go see Graham or Ryan too?  
Yaz's face dropped. Shit. What about Graham and Ryan?  
"What's wrong, Yaz?" The Doctor asked, scanning her suddenly sad face. "Is everything alright with them?"  
God, she could be so perceptive sometimes.  
"Yeah, yeah, of course," Yaz stammered, inventing madly, "It's just that they've both got double shifts today. The warehouse is paying double because of a worker shortage and Graham's making some extra money to help pay for Ryan's school fees. Would you be okay if just a girls' day?"

"A girls' day? Of course!" The Doctor exclaimed, "can't remember the last time I was part of one of them. What do we do?"

"Well," Yaz said, "I have some errands to run this morning, like getting my nails done and buying a dress. I'e got a coworker's wedding to go to tonight. You could come with me, if you want? As my plus one."  
The Doctor seemed to positively vibrate with energy. "Errands and a wedding? And getting to be a plus one? What a day!" she said, "I'm glad I crashed here today!"

"You might have to change your clothes though, Doctor," Yaz added, "because you're covered in something gross."  
"Huh," the Doctor said, making a face as she seemed to notice her attire for the first time. "I think it's coal dust. But could also be some of DaVinci's paint— what a man, you'd love him, Yaz."  
Yaz laughed, unable to suppress her joy this time, and threaded her arm through the Doctor's to link arms and lead her upstairs.


	3. Loved more and lost more

She runs away. Because what else would she do? She's gotten pretty good at the art of running in the past two thousand years. Turning levers, spinning dials, going around planets and stars until she's too dizzy to think straight, too sick to think of her burning planet. This works for a while, until she wakes from sleep, hoarse from screaming, with the name Koschei on her lips.

She runs to the past and watches five-year-old Yasmin Kahn perform in a ballet recital, all pink tutu and smiles, then eight years old meeting a police officer at careers day, face lit up with wonder. Then Yaz is older, being bullied by Izzy Flint in the school yard and being called a Paki stepping out of a mosque with her parents. In a blaze of pain and fury, she finds the man who yells the slur in an alleyway and utilizes a few Venusian Akido moves. Disappointingly, his screams only take the edge off of the pain.

Yaz is at school, turning down offers to go clubbing with mates because she's got an exam the next day. She's at home, ripping open the letter that says she's been accepted onto the force. Her scream of joy is so loud that Hakim drops the tea kettle on the floor. Najia holds the bundle containing Yaz in her arms as they leave A&E. Yaz, age 18, reads a poem at her grandfather's funeral by W.H. Auden.

_"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, _  
_Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,_  
_Silence the pianos and with muffled drum_  
_Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come."_

Yaz is wearing a black dress, high neckline and a skirt that almost reaches her knees. She can almost hear Yaz complaining but pulling it on anyways to please her family.

_"Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, _  
_Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,_  
_Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,_  
_Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves."_

She recalls the moment Yaz knocked on Dan's door to return his daughter's necklace after their trip to the Kerblam warehouse. Yaz held his wife as she sobbed and howled.

_"He was my North, my South, my East and West,_  
_My working week and my Sunday rest,_  
_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_  
_I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong."_

Her past regenerations: eyebrows, bowtie, sand shoes… they'd all made such stupid mistakes, bringing fragile humans into the Tardis and the life of the Doctor, falling in love with them, watching them be lost or forget or die. Each time, thinking that it would be different, that this time, they'd be safe. But she'd done exactly the same.

_"The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;_  
_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun_  
_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,_  
_For nothing now can ever come to any good." _

And now, her companions had made their excuses back to everyday life and she was alone again, left in the burning wreckage of a life which, lately, never seemed to come to any good.


	4. Put her on a slow heat, let her simmer

The normality of the scene didn't shock Yaz in the slightest, which was surprising. She watched the Doctor, clad in Yaz's purple sweater and blue jeans, put socks (with a star pattern) on and it struck her like a kind of deja vu, like something her subconscious had imagined so many times that it seemed like a memory now in front of her. She had to admit that a domestic Doctor was an attractive one, fair still damp from the shower, wearing an outfit that didn't have dimensionally engineered pockets and wouldn't get second looks from passerby (that outfit was currently in the washing machine). Right now, the only thing that could make the Doctor stand out was her two hearts. Possibly her ectospleen, whatever that was, but Yaz had never really had a head for biology, (she was a police officer, after all) so she chose to ignore that particular detail.

Later that morning, as the Doctor sat with rapt attention on her dad as he spouted off various conspiracy theories and her mum making dosas (sort of like a crepe but made with lentils, as she explained to the Doctor), it still seemed so normal, as if the past month hadn't happened at all. Even after Sonja stumbled into to the kitchen to see the Doctor, having clearly showered and exchanged her regular clothes while in the flat, and after the shit-eating grin had spread across her face and the pointed joke about a "fun night" had inevitably been made, well, even then, it didn't ruin the picture. Yaz sipped her tea and took a seat next to the Doctor, musing on the fact that perhaps this woman missed having a family. After all, she'd mentioned sisters and seven grannies, somehow. Maybe she was cut out for the domestic part of life along with the adventuring side.

"What are you two up to today?" Her mum inquired.

"Going wedding dress shopping?" Sonja asked, grin still plastered on her face.

"We are going to a wedding," the Doctor said, scrunching her nose, "Do we have to wear a wedding dress, Yaz? Is that why we're going shopping? I'm not really up to date on the customs."

Sonja's grin gets impossibly wider and Yaz makes a mental note, as she glances at her parents' confused faces, to box Sonja's ears the next chance she gets.

"It's Margot's wedding tonight," Yaz clarifies, "My friend from work."

To the Doctor, she clarifies further. "No wedding dress unless you're the bride. I need a regular dress. I left my other one in your—" She stops abruptly, realizing she was about to say TARDIS.

"You left it in my bedroom?" The Doctor asks with wide, innocent eyes.

Sonja spits her juice all over the floor.

"Did I say somethin' wrong?" The Doctor asks on the walk to the department store. "Was I not supposed to mention bedrooms? I just thought that was the answer, since you did leave your clothes in my room a week ago."

Yaz smiles at the memory. During one memorable adventure, a giant worm had burrowed its way through the TARDIS. Yaz had discovered later that night (after they'd successfully returned the worm to its dam) that her room had been covered in slime as a result of its rampage, so she'd asked to sleepover in the Doctor's room while the smell and slime drained away.

"Of course you can," the Doctor had replied, grabbing her hand and leading her down a series of zig-zag escalators and ladders until they reached a quite plain wooden door, especially considering how flamboyant its owner was. Yaz's jaw dropped as she entered a room with seemingly no ceiling, just an endless blanket of stars. There was a comfortably large four poster bed in one corner, with purple curtains and pillows, with a bedspread to match. The rest of the room was predictably cluttered: overflowing bookshelves and overstuffed drawers, half-made inventions and scrubbed drawings in some sort of circular language.

"What are those symbols?" Yaz asked as she crouched on the floor to study a particularly crumpled notebook paper with several circles on it.

"It's Gallifreyan," the Doctor responded, "It's an alien language."

"What does this one say?"

"Run you clever boy. And be a doctor."

Yaz opened her mouth to ask more questions, but the Doctor grabbed her hand (which caused her brain to short circuit) and led her to a large couch facing towards a huge pane of glass, which was seemingly attached to a blank wall.

"Why have a blank window, Doctor?"

"Oi, she's not blank, just waiting," the Doctor responded, "she's a psychic window." The Doctor places their hands on an unobtrusive panel on the wall and removed hers. Yaz immediately geared for the contact but was distracted by the window, which now looked over a white sand beach at sunset.

"It's beautiful," Yaz breathed.

"Yes, it is," the Doctor agreed. "Smart too. She detects the sunset you want to see most in the world."

They sat down on the couch and watched foamy waves crash onto the beach as the sun slowly set and purple-blue darkness came over the water.

"Can I ask," the Doctor said hesitantly, breaking the silence, "why this beach sunset? Have you been here before?

"I've actually never been to the beach. Well, I know we've been to alien beaches, but I've never been to an Earth one. I've always imagined this is what it looks like."

"I'll take you, if you like," the Doctor offered.

"I'd love that."

"Go on, you do it," she said to her blonde friend, "what's the sunset you want to see most?"

But the woman just fidgets in her seat.

"Me? Nah, probably some boring supernova sunset I've seen a million times before. Let's keep watching this one."

Yaz wanted to press the subject but the sound of the waves was peacefully hypnotic and she was feeling rather sleepy. The Doctor notices her yawns after a while and brought her a rainbow striped pair of pajamas and directed her to the bathroom, which had a toothpaste dispenser with 300 flavors. Changed and breath smelling like fresh baked croissants, Yaz hopped into bed while the Doctor showed her how to use the remote control to change the sky settings. She made for the door but Yaz called out to her.

"Doctor, will you stay for a while?"

Hand on the door, she turned around with a smile.

"Of course, Yasmin Kahn. Anything for you."

Yaz wasn't sure how it happened, but her head ended up on the Doctor's shoulder, arm over the other woman's stomach. She nodded off while the Doctor pointed out all the constellations.

The next morning, she woke to found the outline of the other woman's body in the pillows and a note stuck to her forehead. It read:

"Hi Yaz! I didn't want to wake you up but wanted to let you know that your room is repaired and clean (sorry about the slime, again). Whenever you're ready, just head out into a hallway and the TARDIS will guide you there. PS: There's a packet of custard creams in the nightstand if you get hungry."

Yaz rolled over the still-warm imprint of the Doctor and opened the wooden nightstand. Along with several bowties and various mechanical parts, sure enough, there was an unopened packet of custard creams. She was just about to rip open the package (it was time for dessert somewhere in the universe) when movement caught her eye. The window, which Yaz was sure they'd left on her beach sunset last night, now displayed a multi-sun sunset over a gold city with hundreds of towers that looked to be encased in a bubble. She got out of bed and walked over to the window to get a better look, but as soon as she neared the couch, the scene vanished, leaving a blank screen.

She mulled over the mysterious disappearing bubble city all the way back to her room and didn't realize she'd forgotten to grab her clothes. She decided to borrow the pajamas for a while. They still smelled vaguely like the Doctor.

"Yaz, hello?" The Doctor's voice brought her back to Earth. "Are you alright? That's twice you've done that disappearing on me when I'm right in front of you."

"You disappeared on me weeks ago," Yaz retorts in her head, before guilt sets in. That isn't this Doctor.

"Sorry, just thinking about that time you let me crash in your room after the slime worm," she says. "You didn't do anything worng, it's just that my family thinks you've got an apartment in Sheffield and all, so…"

Yaz suddenly finds it much harder to breathe. Is it hot outside in mid-January or is it just her?

"So, what?" The Doctor asks.

She looks adorable when confused, which isn't helping. Shit. She's really going to have to say it.

"They think that we.. . that we're… that we're sleeping together."

"Well, didn't we both sleep together in my bed once?"

"No, sleeping together like… like having sex," Yaz mutters, face bright red.

"Oh. We're not doing that, then?"

"NO, Doctor. We're not."

"Although, I'd like us to," mumbles that voice in her head.


End file.
